Many would assume this is a no brainer, but:
Boundaries and agreements are different than expectations and demands.
I wouldn’t really have anything to say about this, but now that it’s hip to use therapy lingo to talk about our relationship issues… it’s become a problem when specific terms are confidently misused. (this was discussed this in the Trauma Bonding post I made previously.) Sometimes people invoke therapy language in controlling or deceptive ways, but sometimes it goes far enough to constitute enabling abuse by or against other individuals.
For example after those leaked Jonah Hill texts, people realized that the man was misusing the term boundaries. But where a lot of people were mad at him for his expectations and demands they missed the forest for the trees.
Mr. Hill has the right not to be ok with anyone’s behavior… But he doesn’t have the right to control it. He has the ability to make agreements with other people, but they don’t have to honor those agreements. And it’s his responsibility to find appropriate consequences for the breaking of trust if an agreement is in place.
Wearing bikinis and having male friends has less to do with his boundaries and more to do with his expectations of his partner’s behavior. Those are not his boundaries, they are the demands he wants to make about how she dresses and acts. If you don’t want your hot surfer girlfriend to talk to men, that’s a you problem. That’s about the insecurity within yourself. If you both made agreements not to flirt with people or seduce them, and she does so anyway, that’s when it’s a “her problem.” That’s about failing to honor the trust that makes your bond secure and healthy.
He has every right to have boundaries. Boundaries can be about our behavior:
“I don’t drink”
or
“If you start yelling, I won’t engage until you’ve regulated yourself. Of course you can be angry with me, but I won’t tolerate that kind of aggression.”
As well, boundaries can be about what kinds of things we allow into our lives:
“I want to have a satisfying, sexually exclusive relationship with my partner.”
It’s about what you want and how you plan to engage with others. When you add others to the mix, you can create an agreement with them: “We agree to be sexually exclusive with each other, and to be open about how to make sure that each of us is fulfilled. If it seems like that’s not possible, we agree that we will find a mature way to de-escalate our physical relationship and figure out how we fit into each other’s lives.”
Boundaries and agreements allow us to create the relationship architecture that is correct for us with people who are willing participants. We can see who views a boundary as an obstacle to intimacy or their needs being met. We can see who views a boundary as a guide to loving us well. Agreements allow us to see how well we and others honor our word and how it feels when things don’t work out. Sometimes we find out we don’t want what the agreement offers, or that we don’t want to do our part. That’s ok. We just need to be willing to be mature about the changes that life requires since the agreement isn’t working out. Sometimes we discover that in certain contexts of dynamics, certain agreements are easy to keep and we thrive within the bounds of them. We can work together to solve the problems of our agreements so that they serve us well.
Expectations and demands on the other hand are ways we subconsciously absolve ourselves of responsibility. They can frequently create oppressive and repressive patterns in our relationships. If you have expectations and don’t discuss what they are or where tehy came from, you’re setting yourself up for conflict when those expectations don’t match the other party’s. If you have demands and you don’t make sure that other person can fulfill them or wants to, we set ourselves up for conflict when our desired outcomes are not achieved. Expectations and demands set us up to punish ourselves and others when we find ourselves disappointed or frustrated because much of life can’t really be controlled. If we expect people to behave in certain ways and they don’t, we give ourselves permission to project meaning onto their behavior. We make them responsible for conflicts we set them up to trigger when we opt for expectations and demands as the way we interface with actualizing our relationship fantasies, goals, and ideals.
—
Key Points:
Boundaries and Agreements vs. Expectations and Demands:
Boundaries are personal limits or guidelines regarding one's own behavior or what one allows into their life. They are about self-respect and self-care.
Agreements are mutually agreed-upon rules or guidelines that both parties in a relationship consent to. They help create the framework for the relationship.
Expectations are often implicit and can lead to conflict when they aren't communicated. They can create disappointment when they are unmet.
Demands are more forceful and may not take into account the other person's consent or willingness, potentially leading to control and conflict.
Responsibility and Control:
Setting boundaries and making agreements are proactive ways of taking responsibility for one's own needs and desires in a relationship.
Expectations and demands can lead to a sense of control over the other person, which may not be healthy or respectful.
Communication and Understanding:
Clear communication is essential in establishing boundaries and making agreements. It helps both parties understand each other's needs and limits.
Unspoken expectations can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
Flexibility and Adaptability:
Boundaries and agreements are flexible and can evolve as the relationship grows and changes.
Expectations and demands can be rigid and may not allow for the natural shifts that occur in relationships over time.
Conflict Resolution:
When boundaries or agreements are violated, it can lead to discussions about trust and consequences.
Violated expectations and demands often lead to blame and conflict.
Thanks for reading and I hope this helped you. If we want to have more conscious relationships with the people we love, its important that we consume mindful content, but also share it, and if we are able, create it. If you’re looking for a jumping off point for creating more fulfilling dynamics with your friends, family, and community:
Sending you many blessings and all the love.